I Needed a Win

I have this bad habit of letting my early morning events and decisions set the tone for the rest of my day. Yesterday I decided to sleep in instead of getting up for the gym and I slept through my alarm clock, frantically showered, was late for work, and was disheveled all morning.

After that I couldn’t find peace all day. A look or a conversation could set me off. I was moody and snappy and was projecting my insecurities about being at the bottom of the totem pole at work on to everyone else.

I remember having found this pretty neat resource a few months ago and decided to revisit it and try some of the activities:

SMART Recovery Toolbox

Turns out they really help. They didn’t necessarily help in the moment but they did start to help me re-prioritize my values, reframe some irrational beliefs, and challenge my persistent negativity about everything.

Last night we went rock climbing at the indoor gym as part of our new year’s goal to build a community around something we enjoy. I was still in a funk about drinking on Tuesday and creating a rough day for myself but was determined to work it out on the rock wall.

It didn’t happen.

My determination was clouded by this mental fog and I kept falling off the wall, struggling to climb pitches that I could climb effortlessly weeks ago. I suggested we boulder instead and that was even harder. Bouldering is more of a mental game than top roping. You can’t rely on someone to catch you so you’re forced to trust and believe in yourself which is not something I have been in the habit of doing.

I watched my husband and our friend climb this route gracefully and I decided to try. I fell fast. I tried again and fell harder. I stopped, grabbed more chalk and waited my turn and I tried again. I fell and cursed at the wall. I watched them climb it again. I watched strangers climb it. I tried again. I kept saying that I needed a win. All I wanted was to get past this stupid route. I tried two easier ones and got my confidence up but when I tried the one I was going for, I fell again. By then my hands were raw and tired. I sat back down and stared at it. I tried more routes to no avail. More falling. My husband suggested I try one more time before we leave and I did. I fell.

We started packing up and I said fuck it, I’m trying one more time. I was out of faith but I had nothing to lose. I DID IT. I finished it. It was clumsy and messy and fucking fantastic. I literally shouted and did a little dance. I was so proud.

So when Jon woke up this morning and asked if I wanted to come to the gym, I got out of bed. I got ready, lifted some heavy weights, got some delicious blueberry coffee, and got to work on time. I’ve been graciously riding through my day, breaking in my new hiking boots, chatting with strangers, loving up on this Friday afternoon.

My sister made this magical picture on Paint while she was bored at work and she named her Wild Wanda. Nothing can sum up my day better than Wild Wanda so I will feature her here in hopes that she’ll spread some joy to all of you.

Happy Friday,



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