I’m losing motivation momentum. Everything is falling into place and I want to celebrate. Being perfectly honest, I want to properly celebrate by riding straight into the black night, wine as my captain.
Why? Good question. Being sober all the time is exhausting. Preparing for social outings is daunting. Watching my friends not make drastic life changes and continue to smoke and drink as they please is sometimes satisfying but mostly frustrating. Being constantly aware and always in charge of my own actions is empowering but often boring.
I am not planning on drinking. I am just venting to you, blogosphere, to distract myself and sort through this sober slump. I just feel this time of year is especially challenging. It feels like I’m walking through an inverted Haunted House where the goal is to tempt you rather than scare you. Instead of clowns cowering me into a corner its seven of my best friends laughing in ugly Christmas sweaters with a bottle of Merlot and I have to ignore them to make it out of the house. I turn a corner and there’s my new co-workers with a six pack and they want me to join them. Near the end, there’s my family and a fully stocked wine rack and one empty seat around the table where my Dad would have sit.
I love this time of year. I don’t want to put up blinders and just pedal-to-the-metal through the Holidays to make it out alive. I want to sip down the joy and blessings of this sweet, snowy, magical time of year. It wont be easy. I have to find some peaceful ways to relax my mind and escape the stress without escaping the situation or getting drunk. I have to be ready to shift and practice shifting my mind from what I am missing to what I have because both will always be present. I have to find a way to celebrate that doesn’t involve booze that proves an adequate substitute.