Shifting Thoughts from Need to Want

I’m still in denial about beginning this booze free year. I have only told two people, my husband and a good friend. I’m nervous. I’m nervous that friends will try to talk me out of it or try to convince me it isn’t necessary. I’m nervous that I will choose the booze in a moment of weakness which I have done many times before. Why is drinking the only drug I have to justify not taking? Not one person questioned my motives when I decided to stop smoking.

I am thinking about this wrong.

I remember last week sitting at the bar after a shift at the restaurant having just finished a pint of beer. I knew I shouldn’t have another and hoped desperately that someone would offer one or ask if I was having another so I could place the blame for my drinking more onto someone else. I am trying to do the same with sobriety. I am blaming others wants and expectations for my potential failure at this goal. I have to live with the consequences of my actions and I need to take responsibility for my choices. But telling myself that I “have to” and “need to” make me want to blow things up.

Truthfully, I want to be successful at this. I want to be proud and stoked about this decision. I want to take revenge on booze by living my best life without it as if it were a shitty ex-boyfriend. I want to laugh at people who make me feel bad about doing what is best for me. I want to feel healthy, strong, and confident and not have any more hangovers.

I choose to focus on what I want. I’m not there yet. I still feel awkward and uncertain about upcoming holidays, weddings, birthdays, and general nights out. I feel jealous that other people don’t have to worry about or deal with this shit and that makes me feel a little lonely. I am still looking towards others for a way out but my vision is shifting. I don’t need a way out, I need support. I want hobbies to look forward to and adventures I remember. I want a morning routine where I don’t feel like garbage and more time and space in my day to explore things I didn’t have time to explore when I was drinking. I want people who understand this struggle and want to do sober things.




One thought on “Shifting Thoughts from Need to Want

  1. Your right about the holidays.So many of my traditions included a glass (more) of wine. Giving out Halloween candy, trimming the Christmas tree, every single thing related to Thanksgiving weekend with my brother-in-law. For me, the desire *has* faded, but it took more than a year. Find a replacement drink you like. For me this is club soda with lime. 3 years later, I still drink it exactly like I drank red wine. I start when I get home from work and drink it straight through to bed time.

    Liked by 1 person

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