I’m still in denial about beginning this booze free year. I have only told two people, my husband and a good friend. I’m nervous. I’m nervous that friends will try to talk me out of it or try to convince me it isn’t necessary. I’m nervous that I will choose the booze in a moment of weakness which I have done many times before. Why is drinking the only drug I have to justify not taking? Not one person questioned my motives when I decided to stop smoking.
I am thinking about this wrong.
I remember last week sitting at the bar after a shift at the restaurant having just finished a pint of beer. I knew I shouldn’t have another and hoped desperately that someone would offer one or ask if I was having another so I could place the blame for my drinking more onto someone else. I am trying to do the same with sobriety. I am blaming others wants and expectations for my potential failure at this goal. I have to live with the consequences of my actions and I need to take responsibility for my choices. But telling myself that I “have to” and “need to” make me want to blow things up.
Truthfully, I want to be successful at this. I want to be proud and stoked about this decision. I want to take revenge on booze by living my best life without it as if it were a shitty ex-boyfriend. I want to laugh at people who make me feel bad about doing what is best for me. I want to feel healthy, strong, and confident and not have any more hangovers.
I choose to focus on what I want. I’m not there yet. I still feel awkward and uncertain about upcoming holidays, weddings, birthdays, and general nights out. I feel jealous that other people don’t have to worry about or deal with this shit and that makes me feel a little lonely. I am still looking towards others for a way out but my vision is shifting. I don’t need a way out, I need support. I want hobbies to look forward to and adventures I remember. I want a morning routine where I don’t feel like garbage and more time and space in my day to explore things I didn’t have time to explore when I was drinking. I want people who understand this struggle and want to do sober things.