Shifting Thoughts from Need to Want

I’m still in denial about beginning this booze free year. I have only told two people, my husband and a good friend. I’m nervous. I’m nervous that friends will try to talk me out of it or try to convince me it isn’t necessary. I’m nervous that I will choose the booze in a moment of weakness which I have done many times before. Why is drinking the only drug I have to justify not taking? Not one person questioned my motives when I decided to stop smoking.

I am thinking about this wrong.

I remember last week sitting at the bar after a shift at the restaurant having just finished a pint of beer. I knew I shouldn’t have another and hoped desperately that someone would offer one or ask if I was having another so I could place the blame for my drinking more onto someone else. I am trying to do the same with sobriety. I am blaming others wants and expectations for my potential failure at this goal. I have to live with the consequences of my actions and I need to take responsibility for my choices. But telling myself that I “have to” and “need to” make me want to blow things up.

Truthfully, I want to be successful at this. I want to be proud and stoked about this decision. I want to take revenge on booze by living my best life without it as if it were a shitty ex-boyfriend. I want to laugh at people who make me feel bad about doing what is best for me. I want to feel healthy, strong, and confident and not have any more hangovers.

I choose to focus on what I want. I’m not there yet. I still feel awkward and uncertain about upcoming holidays, weddings, birthdays, and general nights out. I feel jealous that other people don’t have to worry about or deal with this shit and that makes me feel a little lonely. I am still looking towards others for a way out but my vision is shifting. I don’t need a way out, I need support. I want hobbies to look forward to and adventures I remember. I want a morning routine where I don’t feel like garbage and more time and space in my day to explore things I didn’t have time to explore when I was drinking. I want people who understand this struggle and want to do sober things.

 

 

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One thought on “Shifting Thoughts from Need to Want

  1. Your right about the holidays.So many of my traditions included a glass (more) of wine. Giving out Halloween candy, trimming the Christmas tree, every single thing related to Thanksgiving weekend with my brother-in-law. For me, the desire *has* faded, but it took more than a year. Find a replacement drink you like. For me this is club soda with lime. 3 years later, I still drink it exactly like I drank red wine. I start when I get home from work and drink it straight through to bed time.

    Liked by 1 person

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