take… 37?

Hey all,

I’m back. I didn’t fall off the Earth but I did fall back into old habits and avoided you all just in case you tried to talk me out of it. Despite my best efforts at denial, experimentation, moderation, and one eventual attempt at total-escapism-without-consequences, here I am. Asking for help from the sober WordPress community that I only vaguely know and strongly admire.

Only now that I want to stop drinking again do I realize how unsettling my last few months of drinking were. My interest in anything non-alcohol related has been progressively diminishing and the only events I had truly been looking forward to were booze-centric. I only see this retrospectively. When I was living it, I thought I had it under control. There was this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that was growing increasingly louder (probably my intuition, conscience, spidey-senses) that something was off, that I had been here before, that this wasn’t going to end well. It didn’t end well.

My last drink was Friday. It was late. Nothing horrible happened. I made it home safe and alone and I remember that. But it was reckless and could have been dangerous and I am fucking sick of sabotaging my well-being, my marriage, my health, and stability because I can’t control my relationship with this shitty-ass expensive liquid. FUCK.

I’m so tired of feeling like I finally have my shit together and then finding myself tip-toeing the edge of the cliff, wondering how I got there. I don’t care how long the sobriety period or how long it has been between each black out, it always seems to lead to the same shitty place. I want out. I have too much to lose.